Davis Smith: You Can Too

Living in a small town was easy for me. I knew just about everyone, went to a nice school on a scholarship, and traveled the world. Not many kids were as fortunate as me.

But fast forward to my third year of college and something changed. I had a couple traumatic events take place and had suppressed a lot of shit in the prior years of my life, but my when my parents split, I shut down. I didn’t know what to make of it and it was inevitable that it would become too much to hold within.

To an outsider, my life seemed perfect. I was attending my dream school, worked a great college job, and lived in the “happiest city in America.” I constantly wondered – “how could everything appear so perfect, but internally be so shattered?”

I couldn’t make sense of anything. Everything that seemed perfect, was far from it. In fact, the total opposite. I found myself questioning all aspects of life; what to eat, if people liked me, which bubble to fill in on a simple test - it even got to the point where I was actively thinking about where to step on the sidewalk - things I would never think twice about. I was lost. Life passed me by, and I merely existed. Drinking to blend in and get through the day was the norm. I would tell myself I didn’t drink to numb the pain, but rather did it because “everyone else did.” Unable to be honest with myself, I found myself heavily drinking most days of the week.

Golf became the escape. Although I was alone and in my thoughts, I felt peace. Nothing else mattered, other than me hitting the ball in the center of the club face. As simple as that sounds, it was just about the only thing that brought me a pause from reality.

I would come home from class, not acknowledge my roommates, and go straight to my room. Oftentimes not appearing until the next day. They’d bang on my door, ask what was going on, and I’d sit their silent. It wasn’t until months later that I told them what was going on, and even still, didn’t really let them in.

I eventually saw a therapist at school. It humbled me to say the least. I was so reluctant to help myself, and definitely couldn’t have mustered up the courage to go if it weren’t for my roommates and girlfriend at the time urging me to get help. I ended up seeing the therapist a couple of times, and it helped to open up to someone, but a lot was still missing. 

A year passed, COVID hit, and college was coming to a close. I was able to find a way to exist despite suppressing my thoughts and feelings, refusing to share them with anyone. On the day of graduation, my grandmother passed from stage 4 cancer. We shared the same birthday and a special bond. She was my only grandparent and the first person I had ever lost.

A whole new set of emotions filled my life and I found myself needing help more than ever.

I soon found another therapist, but again, wasn’t able to connect on a level that I envisioned and ultimately made the excuse to stop seeing her.

But eventually I found Lyra - a service my corporate job provides that pairs employees with therapists and mental health coaches.

Golder made an immediate impact on me. For the first time, I was able to begin to answer a lot of my own questions. He had me going outside, moving, and experiencing the world when we would have sessions. I was getting challenged while also being at my most vulnerable state - something I was never able to feel in traditional therapy, but that’s just me. Though this experience was freeing, it brought up a whole bunch of other questions, emotions, and doubts.

My best coaches in life have been ones that challenge me and hold me accountable. That style doesn’t work for everyone, but now that I’ve seen it work in sports and in relation to my mental health, I’m convinced it’s what I need. I now realize that being proactive and being selfish for my own health is crucial for me.

By no means am I “cured,” and I probably never will be. I found that a lot of how I feel comes from consistency (or lack of it). Whether it’s what I consume, who I spend time with, or me having regular calls with my mental health coach, I need to be consistent. But ultimately, I’ve accepted that this journey has no destination. Life really is just one big experiment.

I still find myself thinking I’m not enough. I still question my abilities. But coaching helps. It’s easy to get trapped in your own mind, but there’s ways to get out of it. 

I’m obviously not a writer, so thanks for bearing with me, but I’ll say this - whether it’s therapy, working with a mental health coach, or even having a conversation with a friend, do it. I promise you will never be upset you did.

 Ask for help. It’s powerful. It’s impactful. I’m probably the most stubborn person you’ll meet, but I caved and did it. I almost didn’t accept it from those who love me most, but luckily, I did. You can too.