Dustin Caputo — Staying True to You
Hi all! I’m Dustin, I just turned 32 and moved half-way across the country from my friends and family to finally live life for me and pursue my dreams. As I sit here at the coffee shop staring at my laptop, I have no clue where to start when it comes to talking about my battle with mental health, but there’s one thing I want to say before I begin: I hope no one ever has to go through the struggles that I have, but if they do, I want them to know that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel through my story and my music <3
Everyone always sees me as this happy, outgoing, energetic person who always tries to see the positive in everything & everyone, but that hasn’t always been the case. I made a promise to myself 5 years ago, after I hit rock bottom for the second time, that I would never think negatively again and I would stop caring what other people thought about me. I vowed to always be unapologetically myself, no matter what. But before we get to that, let’s start from the beginning:
Being raised in an Italian American family and having a twin sister for a best friend was truly a blessing. My parents taught me the value of a dollar and that hard works always pays off. My sister was always there for me no matter what through thick and thin. They all showed me what a true loving family was and how important those relationships were, however, I found it very difficult to make friends outside my family. I noticed at a young age that I was different from other kids. It took me twice as long to process thoughts, focus, read, learn, and think as a kid, so I would get made fun of, picked on, and beat up at school growing up. I have struggled with depression and crippling anxiety ever since I was little, but I didn’t even know what any of that was until I was older. It all started in 3rd grade when I was diagnosed with ADD & ADHD. From that moment on, I was treated differently. I would get taken out of class and put into special classes for students with learning disabilities, where I would get extra time for assignments and tests, but I still wasn’t able to relate to anyone my age. I was a very emotional and sensitive kid, so there were many days where I would come home crying to my father and ask him, “will I ever be able to make friends?” I will never forget his response – “one day you will be able to count your friends on one hand” he’d say to me; and I hated that response. I told myself that’s not what life was about, and I was going to try and make as many friends as possible to prove him wrong.
As I got older, when I didn’t feel comfortable in certain settings, I would try to look for an escape from reality, because it was too difficult for me mentally to try and socialize. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized this was called “social anxiety.” Sports, video games, sketching, and anime served as my outlets for a very long time, until music & DJ’ing came into my life. And as you can imagine, I had to keep my love for anime a secret for a long time, even from my family. I gravitated towards sports because I finally felt a sense of brotherhood & friendship for the first time. I also loved anime because I felt like I could finally relate to the struggles from some of the characters, and the sketching/video games gave me a way to express my emotions when I couldn’t put my feelings into words. Even with all these outlets, they were still just temporary fixes on a much bigger issue – I needed someone to talk to about how I felt. However, I hated the idea of a therapist or psychiatrist at the time; it made me feel like even more of an outcast.
My parents were the best parents I could have ever asked for, but I struggled telling them how I felt emotionally. Mental struggles were taboo and the whole “man up” mentality was instilled in my brain at a very young age due to where I grew up. It’s a very dog-eat-dog world in the NY metropolitan area and I felt like I was always trying to portray an image of someone else just to fit in. There were times where I felt lonely and worthless, and depression would set in. My mother being the kindhearted soul that she is really pushed me to see someone so I finally tried seeing a therapist & psychiatrist. Throughout my teenage years I would drive about an hour away once a week after school to speak to a random woman, but I didn’t see the point in talking to a stranger about how I felt. They wanted to know every single detail about my life and all it did was make me feel like more of an outcast. I didn’t see any value in it. I thought everyone went through the same struggles that I did. I convinced myself that if everyone else can get through it, so can I. I have made it this far, so I can keep going and do it on my own, because I was told to “man up” and deal with it; but boy was I wrong. And after years of trying, I quit therapy.
Once college came, I told myself I would completely reinvent myself and try and make as many friends as possible. I became a “people pleaser” to try and build relationships, as I thought that would help with my crippling anxiety and fill a void I still had from my early childhood. I would say “yes” to as many things as I could, but that would eventually drain me and come crashing down. In doing this, I got to meet some of my best friends. However, I was blinded to what was really going on behind my back with my former best friend & roommate at the time. The girl I was dating had cheated on me with him, and that’s when I felt what it was like to hit rock bottom for the first time. Over the next year or so I tried to get over it and live the normal college life, but nothing really helped me get over that feeling. I felt betrayed and couldn’t trust anyone anymore. But that’s when my life finally changed, that’s when I found music & it saved my life. A friend of mine invited me to an Avicii & Krewella concert (boy has my music taste changed since lol) and for the first time in years, during those few hours, I felt like nothing else mattered. All my problems magically vanished and the way the music made me feel gave me a sense of freedom I hadn’t experienced before. The community was so welcoming and accepted me for who I was. No one cared about what you did, who you were, or where you came from. Everyone was just there to escape and listen to the music. It was at that moment that I fell in love with electronic music. I started DJ’ing soon after that concert my sophomore year and did so all throughout college. The helper in me immediately thought if I could feel this sense of bliss & euphoria, maybe I could help others struggling just like I have.
That thing about depression and anxiety is that they never go away. What changes is how you react when something triggers your depression or anxiety. The expression “time heals all wounds” isn’t necessarily true for people who don’t want to try and heal on their own. For me, just when things started to get better, they ended up getting much worse.
After college, I entered the corporate finance world, and for 8 years, I didn’t have a life. I worked for 2 of the biggest banks in the world and had a great job on paper, but I was miserable. I would work 60+ hour weeks with no time for myself to live. I didn’t have time for my DJ’ing either because I now had bills to pay to live on my own. Everything hit me all at once. Depression, anxiety, another very bad breakup, and that feeling of loneliness started to set in again until I burnt out and hit rock bottom for the second time. Only this time, I truly didn’t want to be here anymore. I won’t go into further details on that, but you can imagine the point someone has to be at to feel as worthless as I did. I felt like nothing I did could change the path I was on; I knew I deserved more. As I started asking myself, “what’s the point” to everything, someone suggested I speak to someone about my struggles. And here we are again, returning to the number one issue I had as a child, I needed someone to speak to about my feelings, other than my family. Only this time, I went in with an open mind and took it seriously. I forced myself to see a therapist again and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Therapists shouldn’t have such a negative connotation anymore and I believe everyone should try to see one even for the slightest issues. Sometimes, we just need someone to talk to. I was able to finally break the mold and change my outlook on life. Everything changed when I promised myself to always have a positive outlook on life and that I wouldn’t care about being judged by others.
Once I finally started staying positive and changing my outlook on life, everything started to change for the better. I felt like I had plateaued in both life and work in the northeast, and I wanted a true fresh start. From that moment on, I started looking for a new, fully remote job away from corporate finance so I would be able to move and start anew. It took me 3 years and a full pandemic to finally find what I was looking for, and at the young age of 31, I restarted my entire life again!
Moving to Austin has been the best decision I have ever made. I finally feel like I belong somewhere. Between the people, the culture, the music, and just life in general. Everyone here has a dream or side hustle they’re trying to pursue, and it really makes you feel inspired that you can truly achieve anything you set your mind to if you stay true to yourself!
In conclusion, when I think back to how I was, I know the younger me would be so damn proud of where I am today. If I ever had the chance to sit down with a younger version of myself, I would tell him:
Never give up and keep going
Accept failure! The more you fail, the better you get
Get out of your comfort zone! It’s how you grow
Stop caring about judgement and what people think about you, just be yourself!
Age is just a number! You can restart at 30, 40, even 50!
Do things by yourself. Go get dinner, travel, see a movie, go to a concert; you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how the universe will always have your back
Thank you so much to the amazing guys at ACOTH and their mission here, this was incredible to finally put down on paper and I can’t wait for the next event! I hope my story resonates with some of you who are struggling and know that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel
With love,
DiLLZ
